Cannibal Killer Slaughtered and Ate 23 Pizza Delivery Men, 6 Jehovan Witnesses, 2 Postmen in Past 7 Years

Houston, Texas – Houston police have apprehended Ivan Fedorovitch Yanukovych, aged 56, on suspicion of being linked to the disappearance of at least 31 individuals over the past decade. Authorities believe Yanukovych could be responsible for a series of mysterious disappearances in the area.

The investigation was sparked when neighbors reported Yanukovych using a chainsaw late at night and appearing “covered in blood.” Responding to the complaint, police discovered Yanukovych butchering a dead body in his garage, along with “large quantities of ground meat” mixed with “an aromatic blend of spices.”

Assistant Chief Jeff Buchanan from the Houston Police Department stated that the suspect confessed to preying on unsuspecting delivery men from local restaurants, postmen, and even Jehovah’s Witnesses. Further searches led officials to seize more than 700 pounds of “unidentified meat” from four freezers, which is believed to be of human origin.

Residents of the neighborhood expressed shock and disbelief over the news. Yanukovych, who lives with his 93-year-old mother, Anastasia Z. Yanukovych, and rents out the basement to a local student, seemed to blend seamlessly into the community and had not aroused any suspicion from neighbors.

One neighbor revealed that Yanukovych was actively involved in community events, hosting barbecues and organizing fundraisers. A local YMCA administrator expressed utter disbelief at the revelation, as Yanukovych was actively involved in organizing their yearly spaghetti dinner fundraiser for the past five years.

During questioning by authorities, Yanukovych reportedly expressed remorse for killing delivery men and postmen, stating they were “just doing their job.” However, he confessed that Jehovah’s Witnesses “annoyed him,” expressing regret that he had not harmed more of them.

Tom Duvall, a spokesperson for the local Jehovah’s Witness organization, expressed relief that their members can now feel safer and extended condolences to the victims’ families, stating that their souls “have not ended in this vile man’s belly, but in God’s belly.”

If convicted of his crimes, Ivan Fedorovitch Yanukovych faces a potential maximum prison sentence of 2,675 years, according to experts. The investigation continues as authorities work to bring justice to the victims and their families.